Unsuccessful

My application for the internship was unsuccessful. I just received the email this morning. To be honest I was quite disappointed as I thought the interview went smoothly and I had thought it was overall a very rewarding conversation with the three gentlemen. Well, I'd just have to admit that either my essay was not as well-written, my cv was not as startling or that I had not impressed the interviewers at all. It could be a combination of all three factors really.

Disappointed though I was, I did not feel a great sense of loss. The feeling was more akin to finding out that I had not performed as well as expected in an examination, even though I know that I had put in all I could for that examination. The feeling was not strong enough to be crushing, because firstly I knew that I had given all I could and secondly, it was a rather 'bonus' thing if I could get it and it is really alright if I can't and thirdly, because I'm rather good at overcoming sad feelings associated with these 'worldly expectations'. I'd often comfort myself by telling myself that just because a few people do not think you are good enough does not mean that all others would think the same way. There are always others who would appreciate you in some other way.

Therefore, I continued with the cleaning up of the house after reading that email and found it, as always, therapeutic to expend my energy on cleaning the house when I'm feeling down, confused or lost. I have to springclean after every semestral exams, as soon as I begin on a long break etc. The physical clearing has an intangible effect of clearing my mind of confusion, disoriented thoughts and restore my sense of balance as a being. Actually before I checked the email, I already had an inexplicable unpleasant feeling- a sense of loss and helplessness almost amounting to abject loneliness. I don't know why. Is it because I have just come to terms with the fact that I am no longer a student and will be uprooted from the comfort and familiarity of the school zone; is it because many if not most of my friends are not in Singapore and are on their grad trips and I felt left-behind (quite unlikely to my mind but I think it has just that slightest effect); is it because I miss a good friend?; is it because I had the nagging feeling that Ah Gui has not totally let go of the incident and is likely to haunt my conscience with her insinuations and pointed censures that she'd bounce off with the rest (this sort of materialised just now and I felt really really terrible.); is it FEAR? I don't know, I was suddenly so afraid and felt so lonely and I could almost feel myself trembling within. That was even before I saw that 'unsuccessful' email. Therefore my conclusion is, that email did not have a major impact on my mood today, it was to do with my fears from the past, the uncertainty of the present and the apprehension of the future that is bothering me.

It is ok if you are unsuccessful in an application or even in your career, I think. But you must not be unsuccessful as a PERSON. And more than once in the last few days I have been made to think I am unsuccessful in the latter sense. How can I redeem myself and stand up with my chin high, with a cheerful disposition again? Why is it that I have found it so difficult to be cheerful ever since last week? Is there really something wrong with me as a person? If so I'm not even sure how I could change.

I hope I could be cheerful again.