Walks in the Park

Today is the fourth day in a row that I take what I call 'convalescent walks' in the Punggol Park. Before last Friday, I have had no strength (physical, mental or both; though I suspect that lack of physical strength played a predominant role as an inhibiting factor) to venture out of the house, let alone take 2-3km walks in the park. I was thus very glad last friday when I woke up feeling reasonably refreshed instead of experiencing the heavy-bodied lethargy that greeted me every morning I woke up, since the Pox. I have managed to sustain a routine of taking morning walks and I wish I could maintain it in the days to come, at least before I am saddled with work from PLC coming July the 7th. Convalescent walks (actually I had borrowed this phase from the book by German author Schindler's book, "The Reader", a riveting read) are great for rebuilding bodily strength. When one's body is telling the brain that it has partially recovered but still needs recuperation, it is best to resume some measure of activity which is good for the body and soul but is not too physically demanding. Walks in the park is such a perfect activity. That aside, I think we are very fortunate to be living so near to a wonderful park.

For the past 3 days, I have been struck by the regularity of human activities and its relativity to how the world works. Believe it or not, I have met the same person (whom I shall call the Cat Lady because she has been going around the Punggol Park feeding the stray cats from the several plastic bags hung on the bar handles of her orange old-fashioned bicycle) at around the same time and at the same spot of the park. Even the cat that follows her and waits expectantly to be fed by her is visibly the same cat! It was mundane the first time I saw it because I've seen the lady do her rounds in the park before, amusing the second time I ran into her at the same spot and quite intriguing the third time round. Such is the predictability (or lack thereof in most instances?) of human life and routine. It nevetheless set me thinking: for how long could this continue? Will I be at the park at around the same time every morning? For how long will the lady do her rounds in the park in fulfilment of what I reckon is a sense of duty towards the stray cats? Then again, how does it matter that there is no degree of permanence in whatever that we do? A person who is at the same job for 30 years goes to work at the same place for every single working day of the 30 years and there will come for a time for him to retire from the daily drone. The trees, butterflies and cats that I saw today will be at the park tomorrow, but there will come a time when the trees will fall, the butterflies will drop gracefully from its flutter and the cats will stop their wandering in the park. There may eventually come a time when the the park is obliterated and replaced by an entirely different entity. Change is the only constant in life. So there is no need to bemoan the lack of constancy when change is the constant itself. Just that the constant is paradoxically not static- we just have to move with it and to a certain extent, let go of the obstinate clinging to the past.

Post-script: Ah mah from next door is using charcoal to boil some ingredients, one of which I am very sure is Pandan leaves from the smell of it, just outside the lift landing. Smells great. It is the third time I have seen Ah mah preparing the ingredients for making rice dumplings. At the same time that I envy them for having the luxury of tasting home-made dumplings and admire the spirit for carrying on a tradition that is quickly becoming a rarity amongst households here, I reminisce the time that our neighbour has spent with us. The first time that I saw Ah mah use the charcoal and clay pot stand to boil ingredients was barely a few months after they moved in. So my witnessing it for the third time means they have stayed next door for at least 2 years. As if to illustrate my musings above about the impermanence of living phenomenons, their impending move just proves the point that change is a part of life and has to be accepted. Otherwise one can never look forward and receive the future with equanimity.

"Good Luck Always Follows a Bad Streak"?

9th June. It has been a long time (15days) since I last made an entry. What has happened to me? I came down with a fever on 29th May and chicken pox broke out the day after. The doctor said I was infected but I do not recall going close to anyone with chicken pox at all! Anyway, I was given 35 Lovir pills to combat the virus. I was appalled at the prospect of having to down 35 pills over 8 days but here I am alive and kicking, after the last pill yesterday evening. The spots are still visible on my face and body and I really do hope they go away SOON. Chicken pox is the worst illness that I have had to go through. The first few days were totally unbearable, with poxes surfacing and I could do nothing but lye in bed and feel miserable.

Because of my chicken pox, Taiqi had to go home for a total of 18 days just in case I would pass the virus to her during the probational period. There are 7 days more to go, including today. I'm alone in the house now. It has been a long time since I last spent long hours at home alone. Although it is very peaceful and gives me a true break, I miss the noises and vibrancy. I also miss being energetic. The house has always been filled with noise and voices of Taiqi and Ah gui when I'm at home. This has been the case for the past 2 years (sans the period when I was in Canada for exchange). The deja vu feeling sort of transports me to back to the days many years back when I was in primary/ secondary school-coming back to an empty home and spending the quiet and sleepy afternoon hours alone at home. Or when it was the holidays. Ah gui and Mic were always at work and it had not even crossed my mind that I would expect to see them at home. I think I am so used to their absence that I still find it strange to be at home with them without Taiqi around.

In the one month since my last exam, I have had three bouts of major illnesses. Fever, bronchitis and now chicken pox. Actually the bad streak began even before my first exam. Imagine having fever just one day before the exam and with two other people sick in the house. I had thought it would be over there and then but things just went on a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. And throughout these periods of ordeal, how could I have done without Ah gui? I appreciate having a mother who is always the stronger one when I feel weak. Where does she derive her strength from? The strength to buy and wash each and every mud-covered water chestnut by hand, cook the 4 meals each day for me to eat before taking my medicine, wake up in the middle of the night to feed me nutriact and millennium, and all these on top of cooking for the rest of the family and doing the usual household chores. Her love for her children has far exceeded the limits of her mortal strength and I wonder if I can ever match that high order love if our positions were reversed. At this point 2 sentences from a poem that Taiqi learns resonates in my mind:
“谁言寸草心，报得三春晖".

I am ever so afraid of failing her in any way.

P.S. I hope that what Gwen told me after my fever during the exam period , "good luck always follows a bad streak", will materialise this time around although it didn't one month ago. It is a very comforting thought nonetheless.

25th May

Dajie left for China on a study trip with her students today. It is going to last for 11 days! I helped her to pack most things and in the end I realised two brains is still better than one. Had Ah Gui not reminded us, I would have forgotten to help her put in a comb and socks! Dajie has had a rough patch the last few weeks as she laboured to get ready for the trip. I wish her trip would be uneventful (in a good way) and that she'd take good care of herself. Seeing her work so hard for tangible benefits that are starkly incommensurate with the effort she puts in awakes me to the reality of working life, and the preciousness of hard-earned money.

I went for a relief class today at learning continuum. The P5 students are so much more manageable than the P2 students! They responded well and paid attention in class. It was quite enjoyable teaching them English. Although the class was small and I might not have earned much for 4 hours spent (including travelling time), it is better than nothing for a day of idleness at home (that is after dajie left for the airport).

Jo just suggested to Ah gui for her and Mike to attend a Hokkien concert by Taiwanese artistes. I'm really excited for them to attend it, since they haven't attended a concert together at all throughout their 30 years of marriage! We are trying very hard to persuade Ah Gui now but she is her usual self, giving all kinds of excuses and putting up a front as if she won't enjoy the performance. Truth be told, she is just concerned about one thing-money! Even though I'm not really earning and therefore have limited persuasive authority, I still wish she'd just give herself a break this once and go and have a nice evening, for once in a long long time.

Family

No one cares for and understands you more than your own family. I felt it today :).

"but life is what happens while we're waiting for it to be perfect enough to live it"

A sentence from Marian Keyes' book, "Further Under the Duvet". It is so true, isn't it? This Irish author has a real sense of humour and a knack for occasional pithy sayings. She wrote this sentence after describing how she has always aimed to do something ambitious at the beginning of the year as part of her new year resolution but always ends up feeling guilt-ridden after she fails to meet her targets. Implicit in it is the acknowledgement that life is never perfect but is a process whereby we are continually seeking perfection. The funny thing is that this process does not have an end to it and we can do nothing but live this 'imperfect life' as it happens. Resignedness? Not really. This is one view of life.

Competition- at home?

I understand that competition abounds everywhere, the strongest of it being felt in workplaces, schools, etc. But competition at home? I really do not think there should be competition at home, the only enclave where one can take a break and just be at ease. Where should there always be an undercurrent brewing when things are being done, in the sense that one is secretly using an invisible barometer to measure how much the other person is doing while one goes about what she does? I believe that if you genuinely want to do something, just go ahead and do it and you should not bear grudges against others whom you think 'should have done what I have just done'. It does not make sense to me.

Is it me being oversensitive, is it that I am really a 'lazy bum', or is it that I have a weird sense of what is right and wrong? I'm really confounded by these matters of human dynamics, curiously, when I'm at home. I do not feel comfortable enough to do what I deem appropriate, that is not right.

What is it that is missing that is making me feeling so unsettled?

Another Uneventful Day

I feel slightly better today in the sense that I am not feeling as fragile as the day before. The cough is still bothering me. Ah gui brought me to the Wilmer clinic yesterday and I got a shock when I found out that the consultation fee alone is $120 for first-time patients. In the end I ended up paying $357 for consultation, medicine, throat sensitivity test and a jab to clear the phlegm. The huge bundle of medicine given by the doctor will shock anyone. Just the cough syrup alone is twice the volume given by other normal clinics. I do not find this very palatable at all. Maybe that is what is comes with consulting a 'specialist'.

Being sick is the worst thing that can happen to anyone- it drains resources and drains energy. I've fallen sick twice in 4 weeks and I can't help but wonder why I'm so down in luck. Is it a sign that my immunity is deteriorating or is it a sign that my fortune has changed for the worse?That reminds me: at the beginning of the year Ah Gui brought me to the temple to give offerings because my zodiac sign (Tiger) clashes with the 'Taisui' this year, which basically means that many hurdles lie ahead and that my health will suffer. Sometimes I wonder whether I'm taking such fortune-telling things too seriously. Nevertheless I can't help but find some truth in it when these things happen to me.

I wish (again, now fervently) that I will recover soon.

Unsuccessful

My application for the internship was unsuccessful. I just received the email this morning. To be honest I was quite disappointed as I thought the interview went smoothly and I had thought it was overall a very rewarding conversation with the three gentlemen. Well, I'd just have to admit that either my essay was not as well-written, my cv was not as startling or that I had not impressed the interviewers at all. It could be a combination of all three factors really.

Disappointed though I was, I did not feel a great sense of loss. The feeling was more akin to finding out that I had not performed as well as expected in an examination, even though I know that I had put in all I could for that examination. The feeling was not strong enough to be crushing, because firstly I knew that I had given all I could and secondly, it was a rather 'bonus' thing if I could get it and it is really alright if I can't and thirdly, because I'm rather good at overcoming sad feelings associated with these 'worldly expectations'. I'd often comfort myself by telling myself that just because a few people do not think you are good enough does not mean that all others would think the same way. There are always others who would appreciate you in some other way.

Therefore, I continued with the cleaning up of the house after reading that email and found it, as always, therapeutic to expend my energy on cleaning the house when I'm feeling down, confused or lost. I have to springclean after every semestral exams, as soon as I begin on a long break etc. The physical clearing has an intangible effect of clearing my mind of confusion, disoriented thoughts and restore my sense of balance as a being. Actually before I checked the email, I already had an inexplicable unpleasant feeling- a sense of loss and helplessness almost amounting to abject loneliness. I don't know why. Is it because I have just come to terms with the fact that I am no longer a student and will be uprooted from the comfort and familiarity of the school zone; is it because many if not most of my friends are not in Singapore and are on their grad trips and I felt left-behind (quite unlikely to my mind but I think it has just that slightest effect); is it because I miss a good friend?; is it because I had the nagging feeling that Ah Gui has not totally let go of the incident and is likely to haunt my conscience with her insinuations and pointed censures that she'd bounce off with the rest (this sort of materialised just now and I felt really really terrible.); is it FEAR? I don't know, I was suddenly so afraid and felt so lonely and I could almost feel myself trembling within. That was even before I saw that 'unsuccessful' email. Therefore my conclusion is, that email did not have a major impact on my mood today, it was to do with my fears from the past, the uncertainty of the present and the apprehension of the future that is bothering me.

It is ok if you are unsuccessful in an application or even in your career, I think. But you must not be unsuccessful as a PERSON. And more than once in the last few days I have been made to think I am unsuccessful in the latter sense. How can I redeem myself and stand up with my chin high, with a cheerful disposition again? Why is it that I have found it so difficult to be cheerful ever since last week? Is there really something wrong with me as a person? If so I'm not even sure how I could change.

I hope I could be cheerful again.

Dusting Away the Cobwebs

I took a look at the date of the last entry for this blog. It was on 31 May 2009, ie almost one year ago. I think this latest entry, or what I shall term the 'resurrection entry', probably makes it seem as if there has been a one-year void in my life. What have I been doing in the course of this one year? This brings me back to last May.

I still remember the night (or early morning) that I arrived in Singapore on a connecting Northwest flight from Tokoyo. It was 16th May 2009, exactly one year ago. Joey and Michael were waiting for me at the airport. The rest didn't come because the car could not carry us all. So I was back in Singapore, feeling quite lost in my own country. (I believe) I collected myself and quickly fell back into the pace of life. I did a few internships in the holidays before school started in Ausgust. Memory of the first semester of Year 4 was quite a blur, except for Prof Loy's IP classes, which are ever so fulfilling and enjoyable. Then came the December holidays where I absolutely could not remember what I did, except for an ugly incidence of face-off with Ah gui at home. Then Adriana arrived with Cathy in late December.

I had been looking forward to Adriana's arrival for one whole semester and in a blink of an eye, she is now back home after having spent 4.5 months here. So much could be said about our friendship, the things we did together, the places we have been and the things we have spoken about. So much, that all couldn't be put down on paper without words running the risk of being understatements. It hardly feels as if we've known each other for only 1.5 years. Now that I recall it, having her here had been quite a surreal experience given that she is meant to be permanently thousands of miles away. However, I am glad to at least say that I had not wasted any opportunities for us to do things and to build memories of us together. It had been a good semester mainly because Adriana was here. I still can't put my finger on what made us get along so well and what contributed to, dare I say, such depth of a friendship. Was it just her personable nature that made things work or is it just my own wishful thinking that she is an extraordinary friend? No matter what I shall miss her, the times we shared and the conversations we have had. What goes on from here? Only time will tell.

So today is 16 May 2010, the 10th day after my last exam (international commercial litigation). It hardly feels like that at all. Why does time seem to fly by so quickly, in fact more quickly nowadays? For example, at this time of the day 7 days ago, I was cycling with Adriana at the East Coast Park and it was also 7 days ago that Adriana first came to our house to have dinner. It feels like it was 3 days ago!

So this is partly the reason why I am resurrecting this blog today. As I read through my entries in the previous year and the thoughts that I managed to capture there and then, I realised it is so valuable to be able to go back in time and revisit your thoughts at a certain point in time. It has the effect of transporting yourself back in time to the point where you encountered a certain incident/entertained that particular thought. It is also a good way to keep oneself at the top of things, to keep track of what one has been doing and hopefully, I'll be able to use this blog as a kind of mirror to reflect on my daily behavior, dealings with people and performance in tasks. It would also be a record of my daily activities.

I hope everyday could be be a fresh one from today onwards, free from encumbrances and baggages of the past, even from the past one day. I want to be able to go on a slightly (not radically) different path where I could appreciate the people around me and even myself and my own life better. I want to minimise negative and inefficient thoughts in my mind. I want to be healthy and strong to meet the tasks and demands of each day. In short, I want to have a refreshed mind and start daily new journeys that would sustain me as a better and happier person in the long term.

Well. At least this sounds like a good start, doesn't it? :)

Postscript:
It is raining cats and dogs now. Jo, Dajie and Taiqi have gone to Parkway Parade for Taiqi's weekly classes. I couldn't go with her today because I have been coughing like nobody's business since Monday. I really wish I could recover quickly and be an energetic person soon. I don't want to be like what Jasmine and YY say, seemingly 'perpetually not feeling well'. Things between me and Ah gui have patched up (I hope) since that chinese physician incident a few days ago and it can just get better! Oh yes, and I probably have to start thinking about what I should do for this holiday if I don't get the Stephenson Harwood internship (I hope their belated reply does not mean that I am one of the rejects whom they would only inform last).